The Kangaroo's Pouch: Debbie Downer

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Debbie Downer

     I have to tell myself daily, its in Gods hands and in His time. Yesterday I had a rough day. The reasons don't matter, I just wasn't my usual self. By the time Jeremiah got home from work I was in a full fledge funk. I really tried not to let it come out at him, because he did nothing wrong. As the evening progressed I had to keep telling myself, Im not mad at Jer or the boys and I would not allow myself to take it out on them. It wasn't until I was laying in bed that I was able to ask myself. Why am I really so worked up?

     My mood spiraled until I thought about just getting up and watching a movie because there is no way Im getting to sleep now! Every time we take 2 steps forward something happens that takes money away from our personal "baby fund" we have started. How in the world are we going to do this surrogacy if we keep having to pay for these unexpected things??? I lay in bed with tears rolling, wondering if we are making a mistake, are we putting our desire to have more children above our responsibilities?

    "Say a prayer" the voice said. and so I did.

     I honestly don't remember when I stopped the prayer and sleep set in, because an amazing feeling of relaxation and comfort enveloped me, and I knew "its okay".

    I don't need to analyze this journey at every turn. We received our answer that this is right, so why do I keep doubting? I trust the Lord, I just need to trust myself. I can get through this, I can endure to the end. If something unexpected comes up I can do it! I'm over my mood and ready to take on today and its challenges. This journey is going to be long and I am only on the first mile so I need to buckle myself in and TRUST GOD! He knows what he's doing!

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F.A.Q

Q. Why is someone else carrying your babies?
A. Stefani had serious complications after the birth of our
second beautiful child. And due to those complications had to have a partial hysterectomy. After visiting the doctors at the reproductive Medical Clinic, the doctor said because of our young age we are great candidates for Gestations Surrogacy and IVF (in vitro fertilization). This is where a doctor extracts eggs from the female, acquires sperm from the male, mixes them together in a petri dish (think back to your high school biology experiments), then transfers the newly created embryos into a gestational carrier, they will implant and grow into a healthy baby (or 2). With gestational surrogacy, the surrogate is not biologically related, she is just carrying the babies. It is a controversial issue with many people and hope people remember that this decision was not made on a whim or an instant, it was made with tears, prayer and faith!

Q. So are the babie(s) related to both of you?
A. The babie(s) will be as much our genetic children as
Bug and Buster are. They are just being physically carried to term by someone else. Sometimes surrogates contribute their own egg to an embryo, but that is a different type of surrogacy (i.e., traditional surrogacy).

Q. What if the surrogate doesn’t want to give you the
babies?
A. People hear these stories all the time about surrogates
who have used their own eggs and therefore there is a genetic tie (leading these women to sometimes not want to give the baby up). It has happened very few times with gestational surrogacy since there is no genetic link between the surrogate and baby. And the cases like this that have gone to trial in Oregon, all cases the biological parents have won custody. We do not have even the slightest concern.

Q. Who on earth is willing to be a surrogate like this?
A. We agree, it’s hard to believe. We cant believe there are
such beautiful willing souls who can do this for others. It is typically woman who enjoy being pregnant. The surrogates go through rigorous medical and physiological testing to make sure they can do this extremely wonderful thing of “renting their womb”. Stefani believes there is a very special place in heaven for these women (and men, husbands who agree to their wife giving this gift).

Q. Are you paying your surrogate?
A. No, we are not paying our surrogate to carry our babies.
She is doing what is called a “compassionate surrogacy” and doesn’t receive any compensation. However, we will pay for her meds, medical co-pays, etc. She won’t accrue any costs associated with the pregnancy. There are many surrogates who are compensated for their services, but most of them agree that the biggest reward is helping to make a couple’s dreams come true. We got lucky with a beautiful woman who offered. For her privacy we will let her announce that she is a surrogate, if she so chooses.

Q. How do you explain it to the boys?
A. We have been very honest with the boys from the start.
They know Stef is no longer able to get pregnant. Its amazing how excepting children are. They of course want another brother and honestly don’t care how he (or she) gets here. Bug on more then one occasion when we are leaving to the store or to run an errand has said “Are we going to buy my new brother?” We have no concern about their ability to love this child(ren) whole heartedly.

Q. Why don’t you just adopt?
A. Adoption is a beautiful and very complex process in and
of itself. While a lot of people think there are tons of babies sitting around just waiting for good homes, it is simply not true. It’s a long, difficult process. We decided to try having a biological child through surrogacy before moving on to another stage. If this doesn’t work? We will cross that bridge if it comes. Furthermore we originally thought that was the route we would go, but it just was not panning out and after prayer we knew it wasn’t right for us, right now.

Q. How do you feel about not being pregnant?
A. Right now, nothing is actually happening so I don’t know
how exactly to answer that. But we are at peace. We feel relieved not to have to worry about Stef’s health anymore. We know that the baby(s) will be safe and sound in a proven uterus and feel so very fortunate. Our pregnancy experiences were beautiful and will be the special experience that we shared with Bug and Buster.

Q. Are you going to pick the gender(s)?! What do you hope
for?
A. We hate to answer that because we simply are not there
yet in the process. We are hoping for healthy and honestly don’t really care so much about the specific genders. We’ll be thrilled whatever God decides.

Q. How much does Surrogacy cost?
A. This is a question that does not make us uncomfortable to
answer. And please feel free to inquire further if you feel the need. Normal Gestational Surrogacy costs anywhere from $60-80k. With the gift of someone offering to carry for us, we are looking at around $25k. This includes all medical and legal expenses. Since insurance does not cover ANY of the cost it will be all out of pocket. It is required we have 15-20% down at the start of the process. And all other costs are due at the time of service.

Q. How can I help?
A. Pray for us, Pray for the doctors helping us and Pray for
the angel carrying our baby. Other than that, if you have suggestions on how to save pennies or how to make extra cash we are all ears. If you have some work you are planning on paying someone to do, keep us in mind. Thank you in advance for your support and prayers!

How it all started

Since all of you have been so wonderful and supportive of us
through the years, particularly after Stefani’s hysterectomy 2 years ago. Wethought you might be interested in hearing an update on the goals we are tryingto reach as a family.

We both have felt very strongly that we are not done having
children. We started looking into adoption, and it looked like the process was going to be very long and emotional. We had chosen international adoption, birth parents have WAY to many rights and in most US states. They have up to 5
years to fight the adoption. Neither of us could imagine opening our homes and hearts, then somewhere within 5 years having that child taken.

We kept the idea of adoption on the back burner for a while.
We realized after very serious prayer and pondering that adoption wasn’t the right answer for us (right now). We felt the need to look into surrogacy. We prayed again and made the appropriate appointments to meet with a surrogacy center and a reproductive medical center. After those meetings we left feeling encouraged and at peace. The only problem that remains is the cost of Surrogacy and IVF. WHY DOES IT COST SO MUCH WHEN YOU JUST HAVE LOVE TO GIVE!?

We have the goal of October to start surrogacy, but that is
a very optimistic goal. Like adoption, surrogacy does not come cheap. We have opened a savings account entitled “the baby fund” at our bank and we are literally putting every extra penny we have. In our effort to afford adding another sweet spirit to our family we are going to cut costs where possible. We are including our 2 children (who on this blog will be known as Bug and Buster) in this process, we feel their bond with their future sibling will be stronger if they are a part of this process.

We are going to be doing a process called gestational surrogacy. Gestational surrogacy means that someone else is carrying our biological children (our bun in someone else’s oven). Since we know people will have questions, we took a stab at some FAQs. As you know we have been very open about ourstruggles and are more than willing to answer questions, so please feel free to ask any additional questions you may have!

Yours truly,
Jeremiah, Stefani and the Boysies

The Kangaroo's Pouch

A story of surrogacy

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Debbie Downer

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